Dear Mothers,
I hope you’re having the best day you could possibly have, I hope you’re being showered and praised for the pivotal role you’ve played in all our lives. Truly, you’re the greatest gift from God. I just want to say that on this day, as you are celebrated, please remember to celebrate the children you bore that make you the Mother you are today. I’m about to make this a bit deep but bear with me…
I’m sorry if for any reason your feelings were not validated in your relationships with your parents, but acknowledge when you keep on that tradition and do it to your own. The last thing I’d want for any Mother is to have a dead end relationship with their children. It may not be your fault but it doesn’t change the outcome. It takes a bigger person to say I was wrong, and as children, especially YOUR children, we need to hear that more than you can imagine. No mother should have to wait for their phone to ring knowing it won’t on a day like today.
Talk to your children, give them vulnerability, whatever you couldn’t confide in your parents, you can confide in them, give them understanding, let them know your ‘why’. It’s hard emphathing with a “Because I'm your mother that’s why”. I’d rather you tell me about the time your Father told you not to complain so you normalized internalizing your feelings and it’s something you carried on into motherhood (for example).
My Mother was talking to me the other day about her relationship with my sister which isn’t the best (nor is my Mothers relationship the best with any of us but we try from time to time). She was talking about how unfair it is for my sister to talk to her by asking for documentation of personal things when the last conversation they had was actually pretty bad and I mean BAD. My Mother told me she responds but it’s not fair that my sister doesn’t respond when she messages her. I told her not to message her anymore and don’t reply to her either, until you guys have a convo about the last convo. Then she started talking about power dynamics and how unfair it would be to give her the power… and I stopped her right there. I told her “You shouldn’t even be talking about having power dynamics with your daughter”. Where they misalign is, my sister was born in Trinidad just like with my other older siblings but she was raised in England since an infant whereas my Mum was born, bred and raised in Trinidad her whole life, through the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. It’s different parenting and a different time. What I realized is in this moment was, my Mum had a certain relationship with her parents which made her unable to express herself to them the way my sister openly can now do to her and as an outsider and the youngest I could see that. I felt the need to validate my mum and tell her “Mum I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t agree with what Granny and Grandad taught you or how particular parts with how they treated you and I’m sorry as being the only girl out of 4 children, you had no one to validate that to you” (don’t get it twisted, my Grandad was amazing and my Granny died when I was 3 months old from Colon cancer, but the stories of her are still celebrated to this day). My mother paused but I knew I could feel a weight had been lifted somewhere and it came out in the form of a cry and I continued to empathize some more with her after and it felt like the star of a breakthrough. It may never fully fester into one but I could only imagine how much time could’ve been saved if I provided her that safe space sooner.
I say all this to say, I’m sorry to the mothers who’s relationship with their mothers or fathers made them feel invalidated but its your job to pay attention to your child so they don’t do it to your grandkids because by the time they have them and you can see your mistakes in them, you’ll have the right message but be the wrong messenger. It’s a burden, but I have faith in you all, because at least you’re reading this, and the faith gets deeper if you feel convicted.
Everyday is a chance to learn, so tomorrows us can benefit and be better.
I say this coming from a family where that is MY reality (being the youngest of 4). Please listen to your children, and children please listen to your siblings and siblings, please listen to your Mother.
With that being said, Happy Mothers Day, you amazing parents. I really hope God shines bright on all of you.
